Treadmill for Dummies

Well yesterday I did something really Kimberesque (meaning something so crazy that it

usually only happens to my friend Kimmy who draws these type of happenstances to herself). I cannot take credit though. My friend Keshia originally coined this phrase in reference to one of  HER

friends. Anyway, inspired by Oprah and Bob Green's latest money maker (20 years younger) whereby

a bevy of overweight ladies lost 26+ pounds in 2 months by eating 1700 calories a day and

exercising 300 minutes a week , I blew the dust off the treadmill and moved the blanket that

was on top of it in an effort to get started. The treadmill originally belonged to my cousin.

My cousin left it at her moms (my aunt) house when she moved to Cali some years ago.

I borrowed the treadmill from my aunt's house and it was around New Year resolution time

so I was really excited about it. I just wanted to see if I'd use it and maintain my enthusiam 

before committing to buying one of my own and then using it for a glorified coat rack.
Danny and his brothers moved it for me and I was in business. Then a week or two or three later,
my aunt told me that my cousin was having a moving truck move all her stuff and needed
the treadmill back. I called my cousin and told her I'd buy it from her (at a used discount of course)
and she could just have a new one delivered to her doorstep without it jiggling in the moving truck
all the way to California. Especially since she was having a washer and dryer delivered
anyway and all of the other things you have to buy and have delivered when you move.
She said No thank you so Danny and his brothers loaded it up and took it back to my aunts.
A couple of week's after that, my aunt told me to come get it cause my cousin didn't take it
and it was just sitting in the way on her back porch. I was reluctant cause by now I had lost my
enthusiam for those new year resolutions and on top of that, I was gonna have to call Danny again
and I really wasn't looking forward to that. Surely, he would think I was crazy. But I called and
he went back and got it from my aunts in Indiana and brought it to me without too much fuss.This time
it cost me about 3 subway footlongs which at the time were not $5 footlongs. I've been carting the
treadmill along everywhere I move every since. All that to say, it's been a lot of jigglin' going
on for that treadmill. It was a decent treadmill but not a $2k top of the line so I didn't know how much
more jigglin' life it has left. So when I blew the dust off, of course it didn't work right away.
I pushed on this and that and then I pushed on it again and nothing happened. Then I read the directions
and did it in the right order this time but my fingers were faster than my brain. I'm sure that has
happened to everyone at some time or another. The brain is on a 3 second delay like those
cheap digital cameras. So while my mind was saying "WAIT", my fingers had already moved the
lever from slow to FAST! So off I went. Running 100 miles an hour to keep from falling off! I didn't
even have time to think about it. I just intinctively started running to keep up with the treadmill. Mind you it was on the fastest setting and since I NEVER run... well you get the picture. It seemed like this
went on for about 5 or10 minutes but it was probably only a minute or so. But everything goes in slow-w-w-w--w-w--w-w-w-w-w--w-w-w-w-w-w--w motion from this point on. Theres a movie playing in your head and in the movie, you are going "SPLAT" on the wall. You are injuring yourself and the phone is far away so you won't even be able to call and say "I've fallen and I can't get up". This is a small cubicle I live in. Surely I would hit this wall right behind me qith incredible force ! Oh Lord! I don't have insurance! I can't afford a concussion! Because of my 90 day self exile, it is not unusual for me to go two to three days without seeing or talking to anyone. I'd just be lying in a broken heap for DAYS. So all of  these calculations and best/worst case scenarios are playing in my head in this 60 seconds (which SEEMED like 5 or 10 minutes). So I concluded that I HAD to run even faster so I could get close enough to the panel to move the control back to slow or better yet OFF. I guess this is a case of doing what you have to do. Like the guy in the movie 127 hours who cut his arm off. I don't know HOW I did it, I just did. It was like Chariots of Fire! And what really kept playing in the back back of my mind (in this same minute that seemed like 5 to 10 minutes)  was that email that I am sure we have ALL received at some point or another. It is a video from youtube I think that shows someone going splat off of the
treadmill. Anyway, I gain speed, swipe it off, it stops and I fall on the bed huffing. I don't even have enough breath to puff. So I just huff. After 10 minutes or so , I get up to go to the bathroom and my legs
are still shaking. I was like a baby calf taking it's first walk. And then 10 minutes later it hits me. I am stiff as can be. I hurt everywhere one ought not to hurt. I ached and ached. There's an episode of the Simpsons where Homer falls down a cliff. And each time he hits the peaks on the cliff he says "ow", "ooh" or "uh" alllll the way down the cliff. That's what it felt like. I gave that treadmill a WIDE berth for
the remainder of the day. The treadmill has hand rails but it had never occured to me to grab the rails
and just jump on the side boards. Even one foot on the sideboard would have been a huge lifesaver. When I got ready to get back on the horse today, of course it would not work. While I tried to get it to work by pushing buttons, THIS time I stood on the side rails so if it suddenly came on I would be fine. There is actually a nice little warning on the panel that says to stand on the side rails first. The treadmill key (which is just a rectangular piece of red plastic) is on a string. The key is red and then there is a string connecting it to another plastic black rectangle but the black rectangle looks more like a clip. I have always wondered what this is for and I have never figured it out. In years. NOW I know that the key goes in the treadmill and you clip the black piece to YOU so if you suddenly have to start running 100 miles per hour, as you get further from the panel, the "key" will be yanked out and the treadmill will stop so you don't have to go splat. There is actually a blurb on the treadmill about the clip as well. Ohhhhhh. Okkkk. Well, as my friend Diana always says, hindsight is 20/20.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnDNFe-y7iU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpyLiCdnkAk